Embrace Conflict or Choose Silent Resentment
I hate conflict, and I avoid it like the plague. It therefore goes without saying that I do everything within my power to avoid conflict.
Even the tiniest bit of tension is enough to have me making extreme compromises, and it works for me because that means I have little to no confrontation with the people around me. Today, however, someone offended me in a way I couldn’t help but speak up against, which led to the surprising epiphany that I am quite comfortable with conflict when they need to happen.
Admittedly, I am no sage, as the recency of my epiphany makes clear. Nonetheless, I felt like what I intend to share is an important lesson for people in all kinds of relationships because conflicts are inevitable.
Conflict Avoidance ≠ Maturity
When said person offended me, my instinct was to sulk in silence to avoid escalation. But I couldn’t, so I drove my displeasure home, and in response, they refused to engage with me. When I reflected on both our responses after the fact, (i) I was really impressed with myself. My willingness to address the issue was new to me, so I scored a point on that, (ii) I realized that refusing to address the issue did not give off the maturity that the other party might’ve intended to give off.
I too have been guilty of sweeping issues under the carpet so people can see me as the bigger person, but avoidance is not the flex people think it is, especially from an adult. There’s nothing mature or commendable about an unwillingness to face tough situations, much less something as inevitable as conflict.
With avoidance, one merely postdates resentment.
While I understand the appeal of conflict avoidance, I am learning that conflict engagement can be a constructive thing. I’ll even go so far as to submit that healthy relationships require occasional conflict which is… weird coming from me.
I used to hear people say that couples who do not fight were pretending, and for the longest time I ignored it, believing it was one of those smarmy things that people said to sound smart. The more I think about it now, the more I see some truth to it.
Only those who have built some measure of confidence in their relationship (romantic and otherwise) can embrace conflict because they know that no matter how heated things gets, their relationship will survive. Without that confidence, however, they fear that even the tiniest wind of conflict will tip the entire relationship on its head, and they’re probably right.
There’s another equally problematic side to conflict avoidance where people avoid conflict for fear of coming across as uncooperative or difficult. This is common between people who haven’t formed close bonds. It’s not out-of-place to find a disgruntled team member who seethes in silent resentment rather than speaking up — passable in the moment; terrible for blow-ups.
It’s great to have an “easy-to-work with” reputation, for example. But that shouldn’t have to be earned on the altar of self-sacrifice.
The best relationships are those of mutual compromise, and I suppose it’s the unspoken element of healthy long-lasting relationships. Conflict is good for boundaries and healthy communication. It is good for fulfilling relationships, and any attempt to avoid it might just be a decision to settle for unhealthy relationships.
