Don’t Settle
What house-hunting taught me about self-worth.
I was house-hunting, and the first property I viewed was not at all to my liking. While the landlord was nice enough and the space was tolerable, it didn’t fit what I had in mind. Subsequently, I went on to view other spaces, and as time went on I found myself becoming desperate to choose a property.
Because the contract on my apartment was expiring, I was feeling so much pressure, but I knew that if I’d chosen any of the properties I viewed, I would be settling. The whole experience led me to an epiphany about settling, and I thought I’d share it with you.
Settling is a choice
One of the properties I viewed came at a steal of a price, but it did not have a closet, and I knew it would be a declaration of self-love to refuse it.
Refusing an apartment because it doesn’t have a closet might strike you as vain, but I promise it’s not. A closet is a deeply sentimental feature for me because I spent most of my life without one — I’m talking well into my late 20s. In fact, I spent the last two to three years of my twenties longing for a closet. This wasn’t because I wanted to indulge myself with the vanity of a personalized boutique but because my clothes were always in a state of disarray after dressing up.
The lack of a closet meant that despite my best efforts, I was always walking around a disorderly pile of clothes, and I loathe disorder. On that account, properties with a closet held an appeal to me. The longer I was on the rental market, however, the more I felt like I had to make a compromise. But I soon realized that the choice was entirely mine to make, and whatever property I chose would be a confirmation of what I thought I deserved.
It got me thinking about the many instances I have seen of people settling in life, especially in love.
Settling in love
Anyone in today’s dating scene will tell you how hard it is, more so for older people who feel pressed for time as they hold on to the desire to start families of their own. Sadly, the discrepancy between what men and women want doesn't help, so you find that people — especially women — feel pressured to date the ‘good enough’ guy.
Logically, this is understandable, more so when such women have spent years dating all manner of badly-behaved men. For them, the ‘good enough’ guys might be tolerable, better than the prospect of lifelong singlehood and dashed hopes for the family of their dream. By choosing such men though, those women sacrifice the kind of love they want, sometimes never to recover from the weight of that sacrifice.
Alas, the people who teach themselves to settle on the dating scene are likely to condition themselves to settle in other areas of their lives, and this constant compromise betrays the fear they feel that they might never have what they truly desire. As a chronically single person, I understand it, but I am learning that not having met the man of my dreams isn’t a confirmation that he does not exist. If anything, my unwillingness to compromise means I will be in a better position to recognize him when we do meet.
I understand that life requires occasional compromises, but I believe some things should be non-negotiable, like the choice of where to live, the career to pursue, or the spouse to marry. And if we do choose to settle, we must take responsibility for the consequence of those compromises.
Understandably, time constraints will often tempt us into premature commitments. But I have learnt that people who take responsibility for their choices end up with the best possible options, even with constraints.
When you approach options with the mindset of “I can either choose this or walk away” rather than resigning yourself to the role of a passive beneficiary of whatever you can get, you empower yourself to choose what’s best for you.
I am learning that choosing to keep searching in the absence of obvious alternatives is, in fact, a guaranteed way to empower yourself. You don't have to choose what’s in front of you just because it’s the only option available. The unknown is as much of an option, but it requires faith to believe that what you want exists.
Choosing to hold on longer will of course prolong your wait, but I believe it’s what makes the gain worthwhile. Because it means you would’ve held on for what you want, nothing less. If you do not engage your desires to demand exactly what you want from them, however, you will find yourself accumulating a bunch of people, places, and accolades that you find no joy in. Why would you choose that?
Choosing boldly
I’m finding that settling can be a bad habit.
What’s worse is the people who do don’t recognize it by that label. They’ll describe their problematic compromise as an ‘accommodating personality’ when, in fact, they have conditioned themselves to tolerate things they don’t like. That’s no way to live. I think life’s too short to choose the things and people that don’t spark joy.
What we choose is a declaration of how we see ourselves, of whether we even love ourselves. And even the loudest self-love anthem cannot conceal what you reveal about your self-perception when you choose a person, place, or thing.
In your choices you affirm what you think you are worthy or unworthy of. You raise the standard for yourself and the people you invite into your life. You teach people what is and isn't acceptable, and you create a force field that pulls in the things you desire.
For that to happen, however, you have to choose boldly in spite of your perceived scarcity. You have to choose a radical faith that trusts in the unseen, that what you want exists and wants you too. You have to believe that you are worthy of the life you want, even if you look nothing like the people who’re currently living it.
I’m happy to announce that after over a month of house-hunting and even questioning if I shouldn’t just settle for a random apartment, I found a space that’s everything I wanted and more.
For someone who’s spent much of her life settling because she didn't think she deserved better, this has been such a journey. I couldn't be happier to have had it turn out this way. Wew!
